(Sometimes I write letters to myself. Here’s one.)
chutzi.. you’re not a bad person. you’re just you. fiery and tempestuous, but with a heart of gold. so you aren’t that ideal haiku poetess flower girl. but that’s just an image people have dreamt up and defined as the right way a woman should be. there is no right woman. there’s only thousands of different folks who are unique in thousand of different ways. and one day we’ll find someone we’re right for. and even if we don’t, it’s not the end of the world. trust me, it isn’t. take life as it comes and stop worrying so much about fitting a mould. it’s the square pegs who change the world by being who they are.
so if you think you aren’t soft and womanly, that’s ok. you’re a lot more. brave and daring and kind-hearted and with a blazing white fire in you that one day will turn into something amazing. one day someone will see that fire inside your heart and realise how precious it is. hold out for that guy. these days will all be worth it.
one more thing. unless you really let him go, neither of you will know if this ‘relationship’ is love or infatuation. so stop teetering and changing your mind every fifteen minutes. cut the cord. LET GO.
One hug, please
Can someone give me a giant bear hug right now? Please?
That ditzy feeling
I don’t want to go to work today. I want to sit here, listening to this song, feeling what I do. This gentle quiet calm. This longing. This crazy feeling people have been writing about for centuries but never quite got right.
I found my peace in you.
the possibility that I too,
could have a love story.
that I was worthy of a hug
and a gentle word.
A silly thing to forget
but I had.
you reminded me
how womanly I can be
that I too
can drive someone crazy
that I too
can fall in love
and touch the stars.
Love and summer showers
I think I am falling in love. And it is scary and heartstopping. I am falling for a guy who I’ve known for years, someone I felt attracted to for long, but who I always dismissed as “not my type”. What changed? A moment when we forgot our boundaries. A hug that lingered a little longer than usual.
Maybe I have grown and am willing to give someone a chance., Maybe I no longer believe in an arbitrary list made by a seventeen year old. Maybe I don’t need to marry a guy with a bookcase. Or maybe it’s just a craving for intimacy.
What I do know is that it feels nice to be in love. It’s complicated as hell. I don’t know if he’ll ever feel the same. I don’t know if I’ll regret this. But I want to give it a chance. There’s nothing quite like marrying your best friend, after all.
The flip side, of course, is that I know all his weaknesses before dating him. I know his best and his worst. So when I am confused, I can’t take refuge in, “maybe he won’t turn out like that…” I know him so well I can complete his sentences. I know all the things in him I don’t like, the things I wish he had to be perfect. But I also know he’ll always be there for me.
I’m also scared that I’ll be friendzoned. (Which has been happening a lot lately!) I need to talk to him about how I feel. But bless me if I can think straight when he’s around.
What do you guys think? Should I give it a shot?
Being Mindful and Kind to Others, While Being Assertive – by Annie Mimi Hall
It is important to know the difference between aggressive ans assertive and I think this post from Annie explains it quite well:
Is it unkind to be assertive?
There is a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. We all have needs to be met. There is a time and a place to be assertive in communicating our thoughts, feelings and needs to another person.
As long as we do not violate the rights of another person, then we are not being unkind to them.
What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?
The act of being aggressive barrels over the top of the rights of other people. Being aggressive is when someone demands that their desires are met, no matter what the consequences may be to other people.
Aggressive interaction does not concern itself with the feelings, thoughts, ideas or desires of the other person. If you are listening to and considering the other person, then you are not being aggressive.
You can let someone know how you feel…
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Random stuff and some office drama
Hi. It’s me again. Wanting to say something but not sure what. I had a harrowing experience at work a few days ago. One of my colleagues (bosses?) at work is an insecure bully who treats those below him with utter disdain. I had complained of his behaviour earlier, but this time he over stepped all boundaries. It turned into a scream fest, I took the matter to higher ups, and he was made to apologize. I felt victorious, yes, but also spent.
Today I am tired. I’m glad the incident did not happen on one of my “off days”, or I might not have had the energy to fight back. I have been tired of repeating this story, of people looking at me in disbelief, and I’m worried how we will work together again. I’m really not looking forward to work for a while at least.
In another news, things have quietened down with my friend. Turns out it was a lot of other things that was keeping him busy, I was maybe too quick to think I had been replaced. We do not stay in touch like before, but I have started to feel I can count on him again.
I have been feeling lonely for some days now. Work takes up a lot of my “sense of identity” and when work is horrible (like right now, thanks to the harassment and complaining about it), it’s hard to justify how you spend your hours. I guess it’s best to just plod along and wait for the sun to come out.
The sun‘ll come out tomorrow.
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
there’ll be sun…
So you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow, come what may!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You’re only a day away!
Weirdly enough, the run up to this in my head is Queen’s It’s a Hard Life. At least you can’t accuse me of listening to just one kind of music.
Some days I feel like this.
Today is one of those days. Down with a low fever for the third day running. Feeling too blah to do anything. But, wait, ain’t I s’posed to take care of myself?
I think I will draw a bird today. And have it eaten by a cat. Don’t ask me why, it just seems like the right thing to do.
Can anyone get me a home-baked casserole? Rice and dal would do perfectly, too, thank you. Just thought the first one sounded fancier. Being down with the flu really seems to bring out my inner diva, I must say. I’ll be asking for lavender-scented pillows any moment now.
But wait, I live on my own. I’m supposed to look after myself too. A system that works perfectly as long as no one needs any actual looking after. Than it closely starts to resemble afore said comic strip. (Don’t you love cartoons that remind you exactly about yourself?) But since I’ve decided to start asking help when I need it, instead of the usual modus operandi of pretending to be super woman, I’ve asked a friend to come over. Small yay for me. 🙂
I like being sick sometimes. It’s like a little warning bell goes off in my head, and a warm voice says: Slow down, chutzi, you’re going too fast. Take a break. Take some time off for yourself to do nothing. You don’t need to do everything on your to do list. Heck, forget about the list today. Just relax.
Maybe I should remind myself to be kind to me when I’m not sick as well. Hmm. Do you think it would work if I put that on my list? But wasn’t the whole point not to have a list? Damn.
If I sound delirious, please chalk it down to the flu. I’m normally very sane. Serious. I even keep a list of appropriate timings to express my feelings. Ok, I’m seriously going now. Bye!
Ready, set, go!
So, guys, I started running! I’m terribly out of shape now, and can barely jog a few minutes without going out of breath. But I’ve set my eyes on running a 3k at the end of April. I think it should be doable. It’s going to take time to get used to this new schedule: sleep for five hours, wake up, run, nap another two. A little weird, but nothing else seems feasible at the moment.
Now for the all-important question: why?
Here’s a couple of reasons:
1. I want to get fit and catch fewer colds. (Maybe I can run away from my allergies now :P) Also, lifestyle diseases run in my family, so this is taking insurance against them.
2. To experience runner’s high. I have felt this a couple of times while trekking. It’s an indescribable feeling.
3. I think it will make me a happier, calmer person. Ergo, fewer bad days.
3. To prove to myself I can do anything once I set my mind to it.
4. Inculcate self discipline. Start the day on a high note and get a lot of stuff done.
5. I was always the kid who sucked at every form of sport. Except table tennis and chess, which, surprise! are indoor games. But I did make the 600 metre finals at high school one time. And I can walk five km without too much effort. So maybe endurance is something I can eventually get good at?
I think reading What I Think About When I Think About Running finally convinced me. Here’s another surprise: it’s the only Murakami I’ve read so far. I reached halfway through 1984 and stopped, lost among double moons and imaginary people. Guess I should have started with something less taxing. But I loved the first book! (I tend to pick up a lot of semi autobiographies by writers, I’m very interested in how their minds work.) And Murakami is the one who’s given me the idea that it is possible to run to find peace. I sure hope he wasn’t fibbing!
PS. Will keep you updated on how it goes.
Thank you
This is going to be a short post. Just wanted to say thank you to all the people who have commented here, my new friends, if I dare say. Thank you wordpress for giving me a space to air my thoughts and start healing myself. Thank you to the vast majority on the Internet who, in an age often criticised as callous and hurried, take the time out to listen to each other’s stories. Our stories are our lives, and by listening, you make it all seem a bit better. Love you guys. 🙂
Just a Piece of Paper
Just a Piece of Paper
There’s nothing more frightening than a blank piece of paper. It’s the unsurety of it all really. What begins as something seemingly simple, like 28 or 30-something impossibly straight, horizontal lines printed across a blank slate has potential. That’s the scary part.
A piece of paper’s life span can be reduced to the time it takes someone to write two or three sentences, read them over, and hastily scribble through them before the paper is wadded up and thrown away forever. Those two or three sentences could have moved mountains, but they cease to exist in that one frustrated moment following conception and rejection.
A piece of paper can be the backdrop for the scribblings of a 4 year old or the inpatient doodles of an important executive. Which is more powerful? The four-year-old might grow up and one day find his/her scribbles stashed away…
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soulflower speak 